turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You Might Also Like
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!