turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip