Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
You Might Also Like
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
💀💀💀💀
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer