Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
How does one answer this?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
The chart results are in…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?