Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”