Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

I Can’t Tonight…