Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Please vote for people who are attractive
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.