Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.