Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.