Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.