Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet