Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: