Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I’m the neighbor

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

The Backseat Boys

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Extremely relatable.