Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

This probably isn’t good

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now