Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.