Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: I love this couch.


FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome

ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310


Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.


All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…


TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir


Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating


*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International


When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.


So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…