@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

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@nbadag

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@Mom_Overboard

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@bartandsoul

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

@urmumsausername

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

@djdarrellripley

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

@calicocats420

the waitress at waffle house just apologized bc she lost her train of thought when tracy chapman fast car came on

@Vodkantots

Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?

Well, you can.