Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”