Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

respect

bad
worse
worst
worchester

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly