Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point