Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
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Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.