Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
This came to me in a dream.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Barbie gone wild
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
😂🐈⬛
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?