Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
respect
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*