Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?