Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…