Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.