Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Hell yeah 👍

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

This January has 47 Mondays

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani