Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
your honor my client chooses dare
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.