Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up