Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.