Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

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“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”


‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂


Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.


i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people


Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault


if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off


Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?


DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.