Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
this is supposed to be an 18 year old