“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.