@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

- @T_Bonezzz_

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@BeeeejEsq

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

@AndPlayDad

I don’t know what the big deal is.

Putting my toddler to bed is easy…

In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.

@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

@DaddyJew

Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.

@isabelzawtun

Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting

@RealSugarFree

In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.

@Reverend_Scott

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.