@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

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@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@Tolunimii

‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@planntika_

i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people

@LlamaInaTux

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

@KeetPotato

if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.