Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Yes, this is exactly right
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.