@thatUPSdude

Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

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@KateWhineHall

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

@DigitalDropz

My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.

@justokpanda

Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@sonictyrant

me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken

@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.