@thatUPSdude

Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

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@CherBear162

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

@mrklixx

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

@TheChalupa1

Apparently ‘Cuz the floor is lava!’ isn’t a good enough excuse for me to not fold laundry

@eliyudin

ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

@wildethingy

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

@k_lli

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?