Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.


[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”


My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.


Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*


Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.


me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken


Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch


Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.


Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?


It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.