Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.
Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?