Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????