@thatUPSdude

Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

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@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@girlwithatail

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

@Dawn_M_

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

@nellyweather

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

@Rollmaninoz

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?