pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
wtf is an acronym
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.