Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”