Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything