Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}