Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Which wines pair best with gloating?