Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I used the label maker
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.