Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*