Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

hmmmmmm

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

my nickname in college

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!