Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

You can’t outrun your problems…

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop