Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The glockness monster
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
cause of death:
autopsy.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient