Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
New comic up. “Ransom”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.