Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader