Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.