turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.