Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born