Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please