Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling