Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

this post was so formative to me

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?