Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.