Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Jupiter
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
#have a #great #PancakeDay
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.