Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.