Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

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Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.


why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it


My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.


Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible


Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*


“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?

There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”

But whatever.


her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever