[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.
Some of the nicest women you’ll meet on Twitter are men.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?
There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever