Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies