Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.