Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags