Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.