Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.