Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Self-cleaning conscience

🌱🌱🌱

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.