Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[montage of me giving-up]
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.