Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
