Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
when a toddler tells a story
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.