Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

I’d hang this in my house.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting