Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
cyclists
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy