Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song