Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Good for him.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

they really do be looking like this

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”