Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Same post same
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
This is the one
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it