turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Pizza is an emotion right?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking