turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
You Might Also Like
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.